From TYWKIWDBI:

These headlines, from several long-lost sources, have been stored on my hard drive for years.  The term “crash blossoms” was introduced at Language Log last fall, and mentioned in the New York Times Magazine last week.

Some of these depend on noun/verb equivalents, others on misplaced modifiers, etc.  All can be called “infelicitously worded” headlines.  I think many or most are contrived rather than historically real, but there are still quite a few enjoyable ones.  I’ve boldfaced some of my favorites:

Blind Bishop Appointed To See
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
Patient At Death’s Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let’s Resolve to Do Better
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years
Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School
Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Eye Drops off Shelf
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
Air Head Fired
Alcohol Frequently Seen In Cases (from the Colorado Daily News)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (from the Louisville Courier Journal)
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Deer Kill 17,328
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Heat Wave Linked to Temperatures (from Daily Sun Post)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (from the Providence Journal)
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Infertility Unlikely To Be Passed On (from the Montgomery Advertiser)
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award (from the Buffalo News)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (from the Post News)
Lack of Brains Hinders Research (from The Columbus Dispatch)
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (From the Valley News)
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (from The Sun)
March Planned For Next August
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought (from The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (from The Overland News)
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Putting Mattress On Floor Prevents Fall From Bed (from the Associated Press)
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped (from The Times, in the U.K.)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Stud Tires Out
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link (Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995)
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men (The Sunday Oregonian)
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Headline from the Oakland Tribune)
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
War Dims Hope for Peace
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

I am listening to the radio via Internet as I work today. The station that I’m on was having a giveaway for caller #X. It reminded me of a story.

My brother Kevin must have been about six years old. A local radio station was giving away some grand package (I don’t remember the details). Anyway, Kevin called in at the serendipitous moment and - voila’ - he won!!

Now you have to understand that Kevin has always been the coolest out of us four boys. Plus, when he was younger he had a cute lisp such that we would make him repeat certain words or phrases for our own gleeful pleasure. People loved to talk to Kevin, and Kevin didn’t know a stranger.

So, when he called into the radio station that day, the host immediately took a liking to and actually made quite a conversation with Kevin. Wrapping the conversation up the host built the monumental climax, “so, Kevin, what is your FAVORITE radio station?”

Kevin: “I don’t really have one”

…out of the mouths of babes!! Haha, you can’t make that stuff up.

Today in the news:

The president was drinking Bud Light, Biden was drinking Buckler (a nonalcoholic beer), Gates was drinking Samuel Adams Light and Crowley was drinking Blue Moon. source

If only they would give us the same level of detailed info on other news then perhaps we could be savvy/educated/well-versed in subjects other than “‘pop-beer for 400′, Alex”.

Personally, I would like to see the same vigorous reporting in:

1. Reports of abuse to Gitmo and terrorist prisoners
2. The arguments and implications of Electronic/Digital Rights
3. For goodness’ sake, even a cursory explanation of the concept of “debt monetization” to the American public
4. hmm, more Ron Paul or libertarian views (without referring to “legalizing pot”)
5. the fact that conservative Christians happen to be the most generous demographic in America - yeh, I was surprised too!
6. why Health Care Reform doesn’t include asking the question “why is American health care so expensive in the first place?”
7. how-to: organic garden, identify trees (and birds), drill for my own oil

Notes:
- It was nice to see that Sam Adams is welcome at the White House. May we esteem his words and character as we do his brewing prowess. Some of his words are hard for me to hear

If ye love wealth better than liberty,
the tranquillity of servitude than
the animating contest of freedom
—go from us in peace.
We ask not your counsels or arms.
Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you.
May your chains sit lightly upon you, and
may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen!

- My mentor and his gracious daughter both commented this past week that I should write more. I am flattered that many of you share that sentiment. I would caution you, however, that it may be a false assumption to believe that a lull in publication is due to a lack of writing.   

   To everything there is a time and season… perhaps soon some of the writing will be published.

- Happy birthday mom! May you experience another year of growth in wisdom, statues, favor with G-d, and favor with man.

Cashier: This is Kohl’s Cash. Are you familiar with it?

Me: No.

Cashier: Well, basically it’s as good as cash.

Me: So if I give it to you right now, you’ll give me cash? Very cool!

Cashier: Um… well, um, no

Me: So, it’s basically not as good as cash.

Cashier: Uh… um… [sigh] would you like your receipt in the bag?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Something might be wrong if: you are the only person who laughs at your attempts of humor.

While driving down the road of life, everything we do can veer off into the ditch, especially if we’re not careful. And to make matters worse, there is always a ditch on BOTH sides of the road. My humor definitely has some alignment issues. I come from a lineage where witty humor can double as a tool to belittle or condescend. Nobody is laughing then.

Further up and farther in… taming the tongue!

Okay you’ll probably have to be a geek to enjoy this:
http://www.aegisub.net/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html

Reposted for the RSS feeders:

C would be Judaism - it’s old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can’t convert into it - you’re either into it from the start, or you will think that it’s insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it’s theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn’t feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it’s the best language in the world, but they’re willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it’s not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of “goto hell” was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It’s so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you’ll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it’s the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it’s controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it’d probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn’t discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it’s not a language at all; others say that it’s the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don’t understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it’s the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism - It’s another strange language that doesn’t look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it’s built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.

Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It’s simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it’s almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.

APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow it, but you’ve always suspected that it’s a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Rastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don’t REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist…

Thanks to jfs and other people on #aegisub for the suggestions. Keep in mind, this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, if you’re a Muslim, please don’t kill me.